I stepped on the scale on Monday morning expecting to have stayed around the weight I've been for a year or so only to find I've gained 11 pounds! Needless to say I was rather shocked, saddened and then very angry with myself.
I've fought the battle of the bulge, or maybe I should say I have fought fighting the battle of the bulge, for years. I know I'm fat. I don't need a doctor or anyone else to tell me. All I have to do is look in the mirror, or walk up a flight of steps and the reality of the situation hits me like a ton of bricks (no pun intended).
And so, when I hit the 200 mark and yet was told by my doctor I have no diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, joint problems or any other problem associates with obesity, I lumbered on knowing I have a problem with my weight but shoving that idea into the furthest recesses of my mind. I had other things to deal with and being fat wasn't really near the top of the list.
That was until a couple months ago. All of a sudden I started having more aches and pains than usual. Okay, so I'm over 50 now and that's expected. But when the pain hit my knee it stopped me (literally) in my tracks. I was really worried that I would need surgery and so I headed to the doctor, this time expecting to hear something horrible. Instead the news was pretty normal. The muscle above my knee is weak and that is causing the pain. I need to get more active and lose weight.
I started doing the exercise the doctor showed me and my knee has improved. Great, now don't really have to exercise and lose weight, my knee is better, at least that's what the part of my brain that is in denial and wants to eat anything and everything wants had to say. Then came Monday and the scale.
So after the shock and frustration and anger and shame settled in I was totally depressed. How did I let myself get this fat? I know better. I've watched my mother struggle with her weight for decades. So the why is important and in this journey I'll be trying to work on that too. But I decided on Monday that what to do next was the next step.
And so at lunch I had to walk down to the mailbox to get the company's mail. It's a short walk and I've done it a million times. But this time I decided that once I got the mail I would just keep on walking; not as in leaving, but as in walking around the building to be more active. And so I began. Monday I did one lap which equals maybe a tenth of a mile. But it was hot and I had waited until right before the end of my lunch so I didn't have time to more. Tuesday I did two laps. The came the first big hurdle. Wednesday came with 88 degrees and a lot of humidity. Fat brain tried to talk me out of walking. 'It's too hot and muggy' she said. 'You'll get all sweaty and then have to sit at the desk stinking for the rest of the day, don't do it.' But Wants to be Thin Meri decided to just do it. And so in the iPhone went the earbuds and on came Keith Urban and I walked. This time I made it three laps. The same on Thursday.
I got home last night (Thursday) and started changing out of my work clothes. And there was the scale again. UGH! Do I dare? Fat Brain said, 'don't do it, it's too soon, why bother.' But Wants to be Thin me said 'what the hell' and I stepped on. Two pounds down from Monday.
Okay, so it's only two pounds. I know I've lost and gained that much three million times in the last thirty years. But something feels different this time. I feel like that huge number on the scale flipped a little switch.
Now I know there will be ups and downs and I know that there will be plateaus. That is the point of writing this all down. I want a record of how I'm feeling on this journey so maybe I can look at it and use it to push through those times.
Today I walked four laps around the building, albeit the last laps was interrupted by a friendly co-worker.
I'm also going to talk about food choices and cravings, but that's for another day.
So here it goes....... Let's work on this time being the last.